i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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