my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
