the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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