i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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