you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
