my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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