The maid of honor just puked.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
