how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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