She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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