his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
