Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
