cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
