Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
