Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
