Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
