Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
