I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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