Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
someone threw a dead crab at me
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
