i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
