Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
