I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
