He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
