I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
