why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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