She's JV to your varsity
"it" just moved
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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