you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
