And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
