i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
