My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
