drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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