Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
