So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
