I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Randomize
