Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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