I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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