dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
