So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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