32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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