Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
