Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
