fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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