Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He did a backflip because drugs
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
