the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
