I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
my liver is dry heaving
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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