I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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