She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am naked and annoyed.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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