I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
