the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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