Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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