Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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